I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
