The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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