I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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