Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
