I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
