the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
