Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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