Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So squirting runs in the family.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
