Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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