Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
