I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
