mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
