WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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