If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
