When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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