Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
