as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
