Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
