His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
