I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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