all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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