I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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