Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
