So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
