Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
