she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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