I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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