You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
