I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
