yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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