Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
