That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
