I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
