I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
did i just pee glitter
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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