when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hello my rib-scented angel!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
