Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
