i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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