I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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