Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
