PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
