Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
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Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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