I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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