Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
