I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
