if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
