I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
