i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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