Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
