is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
then he tried to convert me to islam
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Im part way to drunk.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
