I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
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If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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