I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
