no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
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I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.