u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises