He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.