do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.