The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I AM VODKA MAN
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
