that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
