fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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