Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
