Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
