I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
