Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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